Thursday, June 7, 2012

Making changes...

This week has been a little difficult for me.  I've been making some changes, doing a lot of thinking, making some plans.  As some of you may know, I have been struggling with my weight for the past 7 years. It's very closely related to circumstances in my life at that time that I internalized and never really dealt with so that I could move on. I've held onto a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness, a lot of regret. It's time to really allow myself to heal. Way past time.

I have so much to be thankful for in my life. So much to celebrate.  So much life to live and dreams left to realize.  It has taken me a long time to get to this place, this place where I feel that I can accept who I am now, forgive myself for mistakes I've made, and finally really move forward.  I generally don't write things like this on the blog, I usually keep these things for my personal journal or for conversations with close friends, but I feel like it's important to just get it out into the universe.  So this is me closing the door on the past and allowing the present to fill me up so that I can look forward to the future.

This week I celebrated the would've been birthday of an amazing friend that I lost 7 years ago.  An event that started a spiral in my life where I just lost control of who I was, where I wanted to be, and I lost my sense of self-worth and my purpose.  I was in a relationship that damaged me emotionally, but because I was already in a place of emptiness and sadness because of the loss I was feeling, I didn't realize it until it was far too late.  I made choices that caused pain to me, to my family, to my children.  And while I did take action back then to fix our environment, I didn't take the time to fix myself too.  Knowing that this 7 year "anniversary" of sorts was coming up, was kind of a wake up call for me.  While I've been happy and doing okay, I know I haven't been 100% myself.  I wasn't living life to the fullest, which I know would have disappointed my friend to know.  So I've been working on it.  Slowly trying to knock down the walls I've been building up over the years and I'm feeling much more like me than I have in a long time.

Its time to put me more at the top of my list rather than the very bottom, and I'm happy to say that I'm on my way up.  Not going to be an easy journey, or one that will not have it's setbacks but I'm ready to face the challenge.  Baby steps. While this may sound like a silly step, it is definitely a step in the right direction for me- this week I gave up my soda habit.  I'm on day #3.  And it's hard.  Headaches and cravings, and just kind of a slump in energy from not having all that caffeine every day.  Not to mention an overall grouchiness ;-), but I'm doing it.  I need these kinds of changes to help me get stronger, get healthier, get refocused.  I'm already noticing that I don't crave sugary foods as much as I have in the past.  I'm hoping that part of it sticks around! Definitely ready to kiss these headaches good-bye though!

Anyway, thank you for letting me get it out there, and for bearing with me as I go through this process- you may see more posts like this one from me.  I do appreciate the support and encouragement and I promise I'll be back *hopefully* tomorrow with some fun stuff :-)


1 comment:

  1. I am so proud of you! You deserve to always be at the top of your list, and I'm so glad you're starting to forgive yourself. I'm here for you if you need anything at all!


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